Here is my small collection of dirty jokes!
Taxi cab funny
One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered.
"Union Station," answered the woman.
"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"
"Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does *THIS* answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"
G.W.BUSH DIES AND GOES TO HEAVEN
George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died.
Due to a glitch in the mundane/celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart.
The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein.
Saint Peter questions him. "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really *are* Einstein! Welcome to heaven!"
The next to step up is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Sure, go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural... bulls, satyrs, nude women, etc. He captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk.
Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"
The last to present himself is George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
George W. looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs... "Come on in, George."
site address:http://maddog0000.tripod.com/jokes/ind0013.html
REDNECK POETRY
The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".
The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination-Timbuktu.
The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.
ARKANSAS BAR
A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee queer.
The bartender looks up and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya??? Where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks,
"A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"
The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar,
"It's okay boys, he's one of us!"
HILLBILLY MEDICAL TERMS
Benign
What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria
Back door to cafeteria.
Barium
What you do with dead folks.
Cesarean Section
A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan
Searching for the cat.
Cauterize
Made eye contact with her.
Colic
A sheep dog.
Coma
A punctuation mark.
D&C
Where Washington is.
Dilate
To live longer than your kids do.
Enema
Not a friend.
Fester
Quicker than someone else.
Fibula
A small lie.
G.I.Series
World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail
What you hang your coat on.
Hospital
The biggest building in town, other than Joe's feed warehouse or Franks lumber mill.
Impotent
Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain
Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff
A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake.
Morbid
A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates
Cheaper than day rates.
Node
I knew it.
Outpatient
A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear
A fatherhood test.
Pelvis
Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative
A letter carrier.
Recovery Room
Place to do upholstery.
Secretion
Hiding something.
Seizure
Roman emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section.
Tablet
A small table to change babies on.
Terminal Illness
Getting sick at the train station.
Tumor
More than one.
Urine
Opposite of mine.
Varicose
Near by.
SCOOBY DOOBY DOO
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.' "
She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"
The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, "Hickory dickory dock . . ."
HUNGRY MONKEY
A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth and, to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey did?" The guy says "No what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprize me" replied the guy "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."
Taxi cab funny
One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered.
"Union Station," answered the woman.
"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"
"Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does *THIS* answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"
G.W.BUSH DIES AND GOES TO HEAVEN
George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died.
Due to a glitch in the mundane/celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart.
The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein.
Saint Peter questions him. "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really *are* Einstein! Welcome to heaven!"
The next to step up is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Sure, go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural... bulls, satyrs, nude women, etc. He captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk.
Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"
The last to present himself is George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
George W. looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs... "Come on in, George."
site address:http://maddog0000.tripod.com/jokes/ind0013.html
REDNECK POETRY
The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".
The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination-Timbuktu.
The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.
ARKANSAS BAR
A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee queer.
The bartender looks up and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya??? Where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks,
"A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"
The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar,
"It's okay boys, he's one of us!"
HILLBILLY MEDICAL TERMS
Benign
What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria
Back door to cafeteria.
Barium
What you do with dead folks.
Cesarean Section
A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan
Searching for the cat.
Cauterize
Made eye contact with her.
Colic
A sheep dog.
Coma
A punctuation mark.
D&C
Where Washington is.
Dilate
To live longer than your kids do.
Enema
Not a friend.
Fester
Quicker than someone else.
Fibula
A small lie.
G.I.Series
World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail
What you hang your coat on.
Hospital
The biggest building in town, other than Joe's feed warehouse or Franks lumber mill.
Impotent
Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain
Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff
A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake.
Morbid
A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates
Cheaper than day rates.
Node
I knew it.
Outpatient
A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear
A fatherhood test.
Pelvis
Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative
A letter carrier.
Recovery Room
Place to do upholstery.
Secretion
Hiding something.
Seizure
Roman emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section.
Tablet
A small table to change babies on.
Terminal Illness
Getting sick at the train station.
Tumor
More than one.
Urine
Opposite of mine.
Varicose
Near by.
SCOOBY DOOBY DOO
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.' "
She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"
The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, "Hickory dickory dock . . ."
HUNGRY MONKEY
A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth and, to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey did?" The guy says "No what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprize me" replied the guy "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."
posted by Grant at
11:46 AM
